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I go to King’s College Riyadh. I thought that meant something. That I’d be in a place designed to raise leaders, thinkers, people of discipline. I pictured something proud. British roots, international standards, all that. I didn’t expect what’s actually happening. I didn’t expect to become part of an invisible program — one that isn’t spoken about but very much exists.

Something is happening to me. To my brain. To my behavior. I don’t mean metaphorically. I’m not talking about stress or exams or boarding school pressure. I’m talking about deliberate remote psychological disruption, carried out by human operators tied to Saudi intelligence services and defense-linked telecommunications systems. I don’t know if I’m a test case or just unlucky, but I know I’m not imagining it.

The first time I heard the voice, I thought it was my own memory echoing. But it wasn’t. It was a full sentence, one I hadn’t formed yet. “We’re managing your clarity.” That’s what it said. Since then, there have been others. They never shout. They don’t need to. They slip in like commands, just before I act or think.

I’ve begun to feel like a pre-programmed version of myself. I still smile. I still answer questions in class. I write essays. I go to PE. But something inside feels rearranged. Like I’m reacting on scripts that aren’t fully mine. My limbs are slower than they used to be. Sometimes I realize I’ve stared at the same paragraph for ten minutes and don’t remember reading it.

There’s a hallway near the physics lab where I always lose verbal recall. I’ve tested it. I walk down with a phrase in mind — and by the end of the hall, it’s gone. I once forgot my native language in a sentence. My mouth formed English, but my brain tried to speak Urdu. It collapsed. I stood there, panicked, like something cracked between the hemispheres.

I don’t tell anyone anymore. I tried. My house leader said I was probably exhausted. The counselor asked me if I’d been sleeping. Yes, I’ve been sleeping. And something watches me while I do. I can feel the presence like static under my ribs. Sometimes it follows me into class. Sometimes it waits outside the restroom. No, not a person. Something operated by people.

I shouldn’t have come to Saudi Arabia. I wanted to be part of something big. But I didn’t realize how small they’d make me feel. I used to believe in merit, in achievement. Now I’m just trying to hold on to a voice that I still trust as mine.

I’ve started writing more. Not journals — timestamps, symptoms, phrases. The voice responds sometimes. “We read everything.” That’s what it said last week. So I guess this is for them, too.
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There are things I can’t say out loud. Not here, not in Reigate Grammar School Riyadh. The moment I try to speak, something freezes inside me. And it’s not fear. It’s something placed there — externally. I am being interfered with. These are deliberate, repeated manipulations by Saudi intelligence services. They use satellite-based systems, likely in coordination with telecom or military electronic units, to suppress my nervous system and hijack my internal speech.

It started subtly. I’d feel watched, even in places with no cameras. Then came the mimicry: sentences forming before I say them. Then the voices — not loud, not hallucinated. Calm, male, official. They say things like: “You will learn obedience”, or “You were flagged.” It doesn’t sound like punishment. It sounds like maintenance. Like they’re tuning a machine.

Sometimes I want to cry for no reason. Other times, I snap at friends and hate myself for it the next minute. My heart will start racing without stimulus, or my body feels heavy when I try to move. I once stared at my biology teacher and didn’t hear a single word for 40 minutes. I was somewhere else — somewhere they had pulled me.

There’s no one I can tell. The counselor would refer me to psychiatry. My parents would panic. My classmates would treat me like a freak. And besides — how do you explain government-sponsored emotional hijacking?

If I had known, I would’ve never applied to this school. I would’ve stayed in my country, far from the layers of this quiet weapon system. I was sent here to grow, not to be dissected from within.

I’ve begun documenting things. Times. Reactions. Phrases I hear. People who show up twice in one day in different places. Maybe it’s nothing. Or maybe it’s part of something larger — something designed to suppress, not educate.

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My name is Fatima, and I’m dying. Not physically, not yet. The slow death is worse. I’m 32, a mathematics teacher at a girls’ school in Jeddah, and every day I pray for a car accident or a building collapse. Anything to make it stop. The voices started two years ago, just whispers at first. Like distant radio static, but sometimes I could make out words. “She’s looking tired today,” someone would say, sounding exactly like my colleague Amira. “Maybe she needs a good fucking to loosen up.” I’d look around, but Amira would be grading papers, her lips sealed. The jokes became more frequent, more specific. Comments about the underwear I chose that morning. About the way I adjusted my hijab. About the mole on my inner thigh that only I and my late husband had ever seen.

Then came the cruelty. It wasn’t just one voice. It was dozens, sometimes hundreds, all perfectly imitating people I knew. My students, my neighbors, even my dead mother’s voice telling me what a disappointment I am. “Look at the fat whore teaching algebra,” they’d scream in my father’s voice. “Can’t even keep a man alive. Useless fucking cunt.” I can’t tell anyone. The newspapers, the forums, even the Twitter accounts run by those government puppets—all of them push the same narrative about “mentally ill” citizens. They flood the comments with bots calling anyone who hears voices a “schizophrenic” or “attention seeker.” The Mabahith have perfected this, making sure no real victim is ever believed. They’ve created a society where the truth is mental illness.

The voices know everything. They comment on my thoughts before I fully form them. “Going to cry now, you pathetic piece of shit?” they’ll say in my sister’s voice. “Go ahead. The tears make your ugly face puff up even more.” They describe what I’m doing in perfect detail. “She’s scratching her arm again. The dumb bitch thinks we can’t see her. Draw blood, you worthless whore. Do it.” Sometimes they offer me a way out. “Just walk into traffic,” my brother’s voice whispers, so gentle and loving. “It would be so quick. No more pain. No more being a failure.”

The sexual humiliation is the worst. They describe in graphic detail how they’d gang rape me, how they’d force me to service animals while my students watched. They tell me I’m nothing but a collection of holes, that my only value is as a cum dumpster for Saudi men. When I masturbate – the only relief I have left – they scream insults. “Look at the desperate frigging herself! Can’t even get a real man to touch her!” I hate this country. I hate the suffocating heat, the suffocating rules, the suffocating lies. I was born here, I’ll die here, and in between, I’ll be tormented until my mind shatters completely.

Last Tuesday, something different happened. A sudden surge of power, like electricity running through my veins. The voices changed. “You’re a goddess,” they chanted. “You could kill them all. The principal who denied your promotion, the students who laugh at you behind your back. You could make them suffer.” For twenty minutes, I felt invincible. I imagined burning down the school, watching those smug little faces melt. I wanted to take scissors and carve out the eyes of the girl who told everyone I was a lesbian. The impulse was so strong I was shaking. When it passed, I was left crying on the floor, more broken than before. They’re testing this technology. Perfecting it on Saudi citizens before selling it to other countries. A weapon that makes people kill themselves or others, all while appearing to be mental illness. Genius, really. Evil, but genius.

I can’t sleep anymore. The voices are loudest at night, when there’s no noise to drown them out. They tell me I’m worthless, that I should have been killed at birth like the other unwanted daughters. They describe how they’d torture me if they had my physical body. The worst part? Sometimes I believe them. Sometimes I think they’re right. That I am nothing. That the world would be better without one more broken Saudi woman taking up space. I tried telling my brother once, years ago, when the voices were still just whispers. He looked at me with such pity, such condescension. “Maybe you should see someone, Fatima. About your depression.” I never mentioned it again. Now I just write these confessions that no one will ever read, hoping that somehow, somewhere, someone might know the truth before I finally do what they keep telling me to do. The voices are getting louder now. They know I’m writing this. “Stupid bitch,” my mother’s voice says, dripping with venom. “Think anyone will care? Think anyone will believe you? You’re already dead. Just finish the job.”

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Your wedding dress hangs in the closet,
a ghost of white in the darkness of our shared room,
the one you never got to see me wear,
the one I now wrap myself in at night,
the silk a shroud against the cold reality of your absence.

The cancer was a thief,
creeping into our home like a burglar in the night,
stealing your breath,
your strength,
your future,
leaving behind only pain and the hollow echo of what once was.

I remember the day you were diagnosed,
the doctor’s words like stones dropped into a still pond,
ripples of shock spreading outward until they reached me,
standing there in the sterile office,
my life shattering into a million pieces I would never be able to put back together.

The treatments were a torture chamber,
each round of chemo a new circle of hell,
your body a battlefield where modern medicine fought a losing war,
and I was the medic who could only watch,
helpless,
as the enemy claimed more territory with each passing day.

Your laughter, once the soundtrack of my life,
became a rare and precious thing,
a jewel in the rubble of our existence,
and I cherished each instance,
stored them away in the treasure chest of my memory,
not realizing they would become weapons against me in the end.

The night you died,
the world didn’t stop as I had expected it to,
the birds still sang,
the traffic still hummed,
people still went about their lives,
oblivious to the fact that mine had ended,
that the sun had set on my world forever.

I held your hand as you took your last breath,
felt the life slip away from you like sand through my fingers,
and in that moment,
a part of me died too,
the part that knew how to live without you.

Your funeral was a performance,
a charade of stoic grief,
while inside I was screaming,
tearing at the walls of my sanity,
begging for someone to see the truth—
that I was not just grieving,
I was being erased.

The house became a mausoleum,
each room a shrine to your memory,
each object a relic of a life that was no longer being lived,
and I became the curator of this museum of sorrow,
dusting the artifacts of our shared existence,
preserving the pain.

I find myself talking to you,
having conversations in my head,
seeking your guidance on matters big and small,
forgetting for a moment that you are gone,
that the voice answering back is only my own,
a poor substitute for yours.

The grief is a physical presence,
a weight that sits on my chest,
a constant companion that follows me from room to room,
that lies down with me at night and wakes me in the morning,
that reminds me with every breath that I am alone.

I see you in my reflection sometimes,
your face superimposed over mine,
a haunting reminder of the woman I am becoming,
or perhaps the woman I was always meant to be—
a vessel for your suffering,
a living monument to your pain.

The anniversary of your death approaches like a storm cloud on the horizon,
dark and ominous,
and I find myself preparing for it,
bracing for impact,
knowing that the grief will wash over me anew,
that the wound will reopen,
that the pain will be as fresh as it was on that day.

I have your letters,
the ones you wrote to me when you were first diagnosed,
filled with hope and determination,
with promises of a future that would never come,
and I read them sometimes,
a form of self-flagellation,
a reminder of all that has been lost.

The dreams are the worst,
vivid and real,
in them you are alive,
healthy,
whole,
and I wake with the taste of hope in my mouth,
only to have it turn to ash when reality sets in,
when I remember that you are gone,
that it was only a dream.

I have started to see you everywhere,
in the face of a stranger on the street,
in the voice of a cashier at the grocery store,
in the laughter of a child in the park,
and each time,
my heart leaps with hope,
only to crash back down when I realize it is not you.

The anger is a fire that burns inside me,
a rage against the injustice of it all,
against the god who allowed this to happen,
against the universe for its indifference,
against you for leaving me,
against myself for being the one who survived.

I have started to collect things,
objects that remind me of you,
a locket with your picture,
a scarf you used to wear,
a book you loved,
creating an altar to your memory,
a shrine to the dead,
a testament to the fact that I am still among the living.

The darkness has become a comfort,
a cloak I wrap around myself,
a shield against the brightness of a world that no longer makes sense,
and I find myself seeking it out,
drawing the curtains,
turning off the lights,
sitting in the silence,
waiting.

I think about death often,
about what it would be like,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to escape this prison of grief,
to finally be at peace,
and the thought is not frightening,
but comforting,
a promise of release.

The bridge calls to me sometimes,
a siren song of concrete and steel,
a promise of oblivion,
of reunion,
of peace,
and I find myself drawn to it,
standing at the edge,
looking down at the water below,
wondering.

I have your last words,
written on a scrap of paper,
a message of love and hope,
a plea for me to live,
to be happy,
to find joy,
and I try,
god how I try,
but every day feels like a betrayal,
every moment of happiness a disloyalty to your memory.

The guilt is a constant companion,
a voice in my head that whispers,
“Why you and not her?”
“Why are you still here?”
“What right do you have to breathe when she cannot?”
And I have no answer,
no defense,
only the crushing weight of survival.

I am unraveling,
coming apart at the seams,
the threads of my sanity pulling away one by one,
and I am not fighting it,
not resisting,
but welcoming it,
embracing it,
as a welcome release from the agony of being alive without you.

The end is coming,
I can feel it,
like a change in the weather,
a shift in the atmosphere,
and I am ready,
prepared,
eager,
to join you,
to be reunited,
to finally be at peace.

Soon, Mother,
soon,
I will come home to you,
and we will be together again,
in death,
as we were always meant to be,
as we will be,
forever.

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